Today was “one of those days”. Pretty much crappy all around. Work is slower than we’d all like, sales are down, everyone seems to be saying no.
On top of that, Matt started football a few weeks back. His team can’t win for losing. That boy has the worst luck with losing teams. Tonight, I saw him give up on the field. It broke my heart, and if I’m being honest, really frustrated me. This kid of mine has so much potential- he has an athlete’s body. A body most kids his age would kill for. He’s tall, lean, muscular as all get out, pretty much perfect.
It frustrates me as a parent because I know how much better he could do. I wanted him to quit playing like he was scared and find his “Beast Mode” on the field.
Problem is, I can’t really blame him. I feel like giving up on my journey too. I am tired of being a single parent, I’m absolutely EXHAUSTED with being overweight, and I’m fed up with running from God.
My tough weeks turn into tough months, which turn into even tougher years. The weight of everything I carry on a daily basis…well, it’s rather draining.
Losing my Dad back in June took its toll on my body. I don’t think I’ve fully recovered just yet. In case you didn’t know, grieving is EXHAUSTING. Have I gotten better since June? Absolutely. Day-to-day life is easier, but it’s not the same- and here’s the kicker- it never will be. My old “normal” is no longer my new “normal.” My new “normal” feels empty…and cold.
When I think about my Dad- my REAL Dad- not the guy who was here and deteriorating the last few months of his life- it takes everything I can not to break down. I miss that dude. He was cool as hell. A total hippie rebel, amazing musician, and a die-hard Hog fan. How I will ever make it through football season without him is beyond me.
It is by God’s grace alone that I haven’t gained back every pound I lost at the beginning of my journey. I have an amazing trainer. His name is Ben. This is man, who I know without a shadow of a doubt, God used and divinely placed in my life at just the right moment- he has been there for me every step of the way since we started training in April. If it wasn’t for this guy, his prayers, his workouts, his encouragement, I don’t know what would have happened to my body when my Dad passed.
Granted, I did backpedal (and have continued to do so every so often- i.e. Doing great all week, making progress- only to blow it on the weekend), but I have steadily continued to lose both weight and inches (my clothes tell me so- the scale isn’t always so friendly). In addition, I am so much stronger physically than I was at the beginning of the year. I’m hanging with the big kids at the gym. I’m doin’ work, son.
At this point, I’ve lost around 35 pounds. That’s like a 3-year-old kid, people. It’s a big deal- a huge accomplishment.
Here are my updated “progress” pictures.
But even with great progress on the scale, it’s days like these that make me want to give up. Is all this “sacrifice” worth it? I give so much time, energy and thought into working out, eating healthfully, planning meals, etc.
I swear, I’ve eaten more greek yogurt and string cheese the past few months than I EVER have all the years of my life combined. Is it REALLY worth it?
The answer is…YES! 1,000 times YES! I slept a solid 8 hours last night. I also had 3 cups of coffee today. THREE. Yet, I feel worse than I do when I wake up to go train with Ben at 4 a.m. after only getting 3-4 hours of sleep. Why? Because I haven’t worked out since Friday.
God created exercise for a reason, people! It makes you feel G-O-O-D! Does it suck to put forth that effort? You betcha. But guess what happens after a few weeks of making exercise a habit? You start to CRAVE it.
It’s the same way with God’s Word. When you make it a habit, you crave that closeness. The Bible tells us that when we draw near to God, He draws near to us. (James 4:8).
In recent months, I’ve had a very difficult time finding the desire to dig into God’s Word. I don’t even feel like I know how to pray anymore. I struggle to keep my composure during church services….so much so, that I don’t even want to go to church. I mean, let’s be real- who in their right mind wants to be the lady sobbing uncontrollably in the church rows? Anyone? Anyone???? Yeah, didn’t think so.
I want to distract myself from the reality of where I’m at in my life. I’m literally in a place of limbo. I don’t know which way to go- up, down, left or right. I don’t know what I want to do with the rest of this year, much less the rest of my life. I don’t know who Matt and I will spend the rest of our lives with…if anyone. (I think I especially struggle with that one on tough days. What I wouldn’t have given to have a male figure around today to help me take on the role of sideline parent on ANOTHER losing day)
It’s days like these that I realize I can’t do everything on my own. I have an amazing heavenly Father and so does Matt! We don’t have to rely on our own strength…we can borrow and draw from His strength- the most powerful in all of the universe!
What I have learned from this blog today?
1. I’m a little rusty with my writing.
2. I reallllllly miss writing. It is so therapeutic.
3. I ramble from subject to subject (My Mom can sure attest to this)
4. And last (and most important)- Give those battles to God, LA!